World Without You

There is a version of my life where I never had a child.

I played it out in my mind for years before having you.

But now that you’re here, it seems impossible to imagine a world - my world - without your force of life, pulling out of me the marrow of what it means to be alive.

How could there ever have been a world without you?

Since becoming a mother, my world has cracked open. 

I was told I’d see colors more brightly & experience a love I’ve never known. 

And that is true but more than that it’s the deepening. 

Of everything. 

Of meaning, of emotions, of pain, of values, of priorities, of joy, of empathy, of connectedness to the natural world.

Birth for me was like a portal. Red pill, blue pill -- become a parent or don’t. Whichever you choose, there is no going back.

I chose mother.

And I went through the portal - and it was as scary and hard as you might imagine a portal that leads to unimaginable joy might be -- nothing good comes without first trial.

And now I’m on the other side and I’ve slowly been opening myself,

shaking off the portal transit suit, and seeing with new eyes the vibrant colors I was told about.

The joy, the love, and what no one told me -- the deepening.

I look back at the last images of my 41 week pregnant body, and I love what I see. 

She is in for a grand adventure.

I wave to her and wish her well, 

she is no longer, and I am just about 

to begin.

Images by Jen Sosa